Do You Love Yourself?

As Valentine’s Day approaches, there are many singles around the world who are dreading the social media debut of new relationships, proposals followed by candlelight dinners, fresh flowers sent to work, edible arrangements made with favorite fruits, the scavenger hunts, videos of rose petals and bubble baths, accented with showers of gifts…

Everything that they wish they could have.

I was there once.

Fresh out of a relationship, watching everyone else enjoy the “Hallmark holiday.” I found myself becoming resentful of the roses that I loved so much as they filled the aisles of grocery stores. I dreaded logging into Facebook to see pictures of friends become so consumed with love with another.

So I deactivated my account and called it a “hiatus.” *rolls eyes*

It would be like this for the next two years of couple-centered holidays, where family started questioning my relationship status, preference in men, and even my sexual orientation. Overwhelming enough, right?

Of course I dated, but nothing was too serious. I either called it off in fear of becoming too attached or was dumped for “being too intimidating,” “having it all together,” or “forcing myself onto someone.” By Year 3 of the single lifestyle, I was infuriated with the “day of loving on someone just as much as they love on you.” Why wasn’t anyone willing to ignite a relationship with me? I wanted someone to feel the pressure of surprising me with a romantic dinner as much as I would be willing to show my appreciation for them. I started thinking…

“Do you love yourself?”

Of course! No one can love me better than I can. Or so I thought.

We have been conditioned to look outside of ourselves for all of the important things in life – education, validation, careers, constructive criticism, and especially love. We seek validation to our worthiness, and there is nothing wrong with that. This issue lies in the occurrence that we forget who really matter.

I believe that bad relationships and heartbreaks will continue to find a way to delve into our life stories until we become our own source of unconditional love.

We have to cease every attempt of waiting for someone to provide to us what we have every capability to do for ourselves. Creating a relationship with yourself that provides you with the necessary love needed for self-sufficiency. Once I realized that, I challenged myself to change my mindset about being loved to being my own love.

When Valentine’s Day rolled around that third year, I stopped cringing at the social media posts and started putting forth that energy in myself. I placed a higher value on my relationship with me instead of the one I could have with someone else. Below are some of the things I did to show myself some appreciation:

Forgive myself. The first step to bettering your livelihood is forgiveness. Holding on to what could have been, would have been, and should have been led to what is NOT. Exes are exes for a reason. The meaning of the prefix itself means “without, excluding, or removal of any entity.” Once I forgave myself for not being all that I expected from everyone else, the healing process began.

Create empowering mantras. A mantra is a word, sound, or thought on which you concentrate, meditate, and focus your energy. For me, it was overcoming fear of the unknown. After being in a relationship for 8 years, it was difficult to identify who I was alone. I had lost myself by catering to him that I forgot how to cater to myself. Facing that fear of becoming my own person again – figuring out what made me happy – was hard but definitely well worth it!

Engage yourself with nature. Spend time alone in your most natural state in the most comfortable natural place you can find: outside. It is both liberating and refreshing. You will gain an appreciation for not only the simple things in life but the simple things about yourself. For me it was my abnormally large legs. The very thing that I have the biggest issue with showing became my pride and joy. Find a way to admire your physical and nonphysical attributes on this path to self-appreciation and self-love!

Live again. Simply live. Treat others better than you have been and want to be treated. Give them your all, and live unapologetically. Do not allow your past self dictate your ability to love yourself – fully, wholeheartedly, and without hesitation. I was always told that there are two dates people will remember: the day you were born and the day you transcend the earthly realm. It is your decision to determine and remember the days between those dates.

You have your whole life ahead of you! Why are you living it lusting over the love that others have when you can give it to yourself? Self-care comes first, and if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

Tanesha Barnes. The two-time graduate of Southern Miss, holds a Bachelors and Masters in entrepreneurship and business administration. She is the founder of a nonprofit program called BeYOUtiful, where she helps teens and their families prepare for higher education academically, financially, and socially.

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